- Peace: There can't be peace in an environment where trust dies a fresh death every morning.
- Joy: Oh my, this has been a roller-coaster ride. One minute, everyone is happy and the next minute Beno is mad. One week, I'm joyful and I'm thinking my life is perfect. Another week and the whole house us tense. I worry that the tension and hostility permeates the whole atmosphere and the children can feel it.
- Agency: I have lost agency over my life. See freedom below. It's tough. I agonize over making simple decisions. I'll tell you a story. About 8 years ago, a friend (probably his best friend till date) of his wanted to come to the city we lived in. We had 2 spare bedrooms and I told said friend that he could stay over at ours. When I told Veno that his friend was coming over, he got mad and berated me for extending the invite. He said friend could not stay over at ours - why would I do such a thing. But he didn't tell the friend and I'm not good at lying or coming up with cover stories. So I avoided friends calls and so did Beno. So poor friend had to find a hotel to stay at. I still feel bad years later. Writing this, I realize how cowardly I've been.
- Achievement: Sigh. I don't have time to begin with. I could leverage some resources to buy myself some time e.g. respite services but I've been told no by Veno. I'm just trying to survive. I'm too exhausted to worry about achievements.
- Freedom: This is closely related to agency and i almost think they should be merged. I am unable to do basic things that I would love to do. I can't invite family or friends over which is something I loved to do. I can't consider going on a trip. I can't go for most networking sessions or just community events because I feel the mere suggestion of such would be met with disdain or anger. I decline by default and make excuses. It's the easier option.
- Respect: I do not feel respected. In fact, I'm outrightly disrespected - screaming at me even in front of the children, scolding me like a child, not valuing my input, disagreeing with me for the fun of it. Calling me names. The list goes on.
Facts and Examples
1. This is the example I shared with him the first time he said let's talk. And it's the last one because he shot it down immediately.
The doctor told me to get a sleep study done to.ensure the fatigue I was experiencing was not a result of sleep apnea. Sleep clinic called me and gave me options (it requires an overnight stay) - I chose Friday night because that would cause the least disruption to our family life and put the least burden on Veno. When I told Veno, he said no, that he cannot handle the 3 children on his own. And his word is law so no sleep study till date. Probably been about a year or at least 6 months.
2. Veno got a job in 2021. I was so excited. He had waited so long and it had stressed him out. Stressed us all out. Up until this point, we had only one account- a joint account between us.
He opened a new account that his paycheck went to. He then told me that he would give me a certain sum towards the upkeep of the home monthly. Over that year, that figure kept reducing and I'll probably dig into my archives and pull out the figures.
It was never a conversation of "let's draw up a plan" it was always "this is what I'll give you" and I was left to deal with the rest even though I didn't have a job most of the time.
Very often, he would pay rent and daycare and I handled the rest. Oh he also made the car payments out of his account- the car is only in his name. Rest includes car and home insurance, internet, food, kids resources, kids activities, clothes, etc. It very often was costing me way more than he was providing. So the party with the higher income carried a lower financial burden.
3. One example he used to support his argument that i dont lack agency was a trip I took to Lagos for business in 2019. A trip to Lagos takes approximately 24 hours. I went with Child 2, then a baby and left Child 1 with him. I was gone for about 1 week. I told everyone that I needed to get back home on time because he had interviews to attend so I would need to be home to get Child 1 from school.
In reality, it was that he said 2 weeks was too long and I should keep it short. It made no sense but I did it for "peace". Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have insisted that 1 week was too short. In truth, I was afraid.
4. House chores: house chores are such a funny thing. Before we moved to this country, we didn't do much of it because we had help. When we got here, it fell on us to keep house and children. Veno doesn't cook and I love to cook so that fell to me by default.
Of course, cooking in the kitchen requires clean up so I would do that too. I would do the dishes or load the dishwasher. He doesn't do his own dishes nor does he put his plates in the dishwasher - he leaves it for me to handle.
He cleans or at least, he uses to clean regularly. But not everywhere. I often have to clean the bathroom when it becomes dirty - I hate dirty bathrooms.
He empties bins. And he irons the clothes we need to wear.
I do all laundry, folding, organizing. I can't count the number of times that clean clothes have found their way back into.the laundry basket because nobody can be bothered to put them away if I don't do it on time.
Caring for the kids has fallen more and more on me.
Very often, once we pick up the kids in the evening, I'm on my feet till bedtime - cooking, cleaning, feeding someone, chasing someone, giving someone a bath.
Until recently that he started coming out to sit with the kids, he spent evenings in front of his computer or lying down in the room. If I asked for help, he would berate me for not wanting to see him rest. Would say I was giving him work to do.
5. There's the story of how he stole insurance refunds from me but that deserves a post on it's own.
6. Sometimes, I'm just plain stupid in the name of love, openness and working together. In 2022, we decided to throw Child 1 his first birthday party. I suggested a venue and we went to check it out. They.gave us their options - say a certain amount for a slot of 10.children. Veno said "let's take 2 slots". Meanwhile, each slot was already expensive. They asked for a deposit, I made it (I was the one going in, he stayed in the car with the kids).
I should have asked at that point how we were going to pay but I honestly didn't think of it. Look, that party ended up coating us upwards of 2000cad. I know I paid that much for it and he spent about 200cad at most.
7. How did I manage to fund the party? We filed for Disability tax credit for Child 2 for the first time and got a refund of about 3000cad. I told him so he knew I got the money. I considered it "our money" but I didn't think we should spend it on a party. But well, we did.
This year, 2023, I transferred the tax credit to him since I didn't have a decent income last year. We estimated that he would get 5000cad back in refunds. When I asked him if he had got it, he said he would check. Radio silence. I know for a fact that he would have received it because I had received the 100cad I was expecting but ok.
I offer information willingly, he hides information willingly.
8.
