According to dialalaw, "Spouses are separated when one or both people:
decide their relationship is over,
tell the other person their decision, and
act like the relationship is over.
Spouses don’t need to agree to separate.
Separation usually marks the end of a couple’s relationship. Most separating couples stop eating and sleeping together. They also stop doing chores for each other and going out together."
I am beginning to see that we have been separated in practice for a while - even though we have been "living together".
Veno has been indicating - at least in writing since March - that he is no longer happy to be married to me. We stopped having a common purse in Jan 2021, immediately he got a job in CA. Since then, he gives me whatever amount he wants to give me and leaves me to find the rest. No questions asked.
Yes I earn a small income and I disclose it. I don't report monthly but I discuss the big changes e.g. loss of income or increase. He knows how little it is although I suspect that he pretends not to. He has "jokingly" said several times that he's sure that I have money put away somewhere. And no matter how much I explain that I do not, he never believes me. I recently told him that I cannot compete with his imagination. He thought it was a joke but I mean it. His imagination reigns Supreme over reality.
Openness and honesty in communication is not the hallmark of our relationship. In fact, any attempt from me to have an open and honest conversation often ends in disaster. We have had a few where I wore him down and he explained what he believed I had been doing wrong. Except for one specific issue before we got married and one after the violence incident in 2018, I have not had the opportunity to openly discuss with.him about what's not working. Attempts are met with stiff resistance.
He has steadily reduced his efforts towards the running and caring of the household. In the last few weeks, he barely cleans anymore. Yet, he won't let me hire a cleaner- he wants us to do it ourselves in other words - me.
In January, I applied for a program that would help me get back into the workforce. I believe that it was going to cost 3000cad. I tried to apply for OSAP - a government grant/loan scheme for schooling. I didn't qualify based on our household income. It's expected that our household income is at a level that we can afford to pay 3000cad.
Is it? I have no idea. I haven't seen a single pay check nor do I know how much he receives. I don't know what he does with his money except that he gives me whatever he wants to give me and tells me he doesn't have money anytime I ask for money. He sometimes tells me how he has a lot of debt. What debt? For what? No clue.
When I ask for money, it's mostly money for household expenses or to meet a need for the kids. For instance, I have been asking for money for back to school shopping for the kids - clothes, shoes, bag, etc. I've bought a lot already but there's still so much we need. He says he doesn't have right now. School resumes in less than 2 weeks.
I tried to apply for grants that would help us cover the cost of some "equipment" that we need for Child 2. He refused to consent but won't fund it either. And here I am. Stuck. No means to get Child 2 what she needs. Separated in practice but together in law.
There are so many more examples. But, yes, we have been separated. He gets the benefits, I don't.
Friday 25th August 2023. Updated to reflect answers to questions asked in the comment.
Reference: https://dialalaw.peopleslawschool.ca/separation-agreements/
This is always a sobering place to arrive at. When you say you ask him give you money and he doesn't, is this money for you to meet your personal needs or money for household expenses or children's needs?
ReplyDeleteMostly money for household expenses or to meet a need for the kids. For instance, I have been asking for money for back to school shopping for the kids - clothes, shoes, bag, etc. I've bought a lot already but there's still so much we need. He says he doesn't have right now. School resumes in less than 2 weeks.
DeleteDo you earn an income? Do you disclose it? Is he aware of how much or little the amount is relative to household bills and children's expenses? Have you ever had an open conversation with him to address this issue of family finances and expenditure?
ReplyDeleteYes I earn a small income and I disclose it. I don't report monthly but I discuss the big changes e.g. loss of income or increase. He knows how little it is although I suspect that he pretends not to. He has "jokingly" said several times that he's sure that I have money put away somewhere. And no matter how much I explain that I do not, he never believes me. I recently told him that I cannot compete with his imagination. He thought it was a joke but I mean it. His imagination reigns Supreme over reality.
Delete