Have I fought Hard Enough?

Big question. As a Christian and Catholic, marriage is for life. It's a sacrament and I don't take it lightly. So from the start, I have worked to build a peaceful home. Or so I thought.

My counselor has now helped me to realize that I have been avoiding conflict. She is right. Initially, I took conflict head on - if Veno did something I didn't like, I let him know immediately. But I quickly learnt that on a good day, that was an effort in futility, on a bad day, a spark for full blown quarrels. In none of the scenarios is the actual issue ever resolved. I would often end up having to apologize for the transgressions that would be levied against me in response to my attempt to share that I didn't like something. I'm not sure I've received up to 5 apologies in our 10 years together.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/is-it-time-to-go-to-couples-counseling/ My counselor sent me this link. Here's my response to her (August 12 2023). 

"Thank you for the article.

I sent him the message we discussed and here's what he said 

"Thanks but it is a no for me. My preference is discussing ourselves. We have attended 2 marriage sessions based on your request (pre wedding and post wedding) and I want to try something else."

So I asked how that would work and he said we would have conversations. 

But I don't think that will happen. Because it's not his strong suit and I think I have given to the point of exhaustion. I don't have much energy left to try. I don't have what it takes anymore. 

Attachment insecurities that are grounded in feelings of low self-worth and fears of abandonment. This can include extreme dependence, which leads to intrusive behaviors. But it can also include extreme independence which can make a partner feel like they’re not a priority.  - I saw this in the article. I think I might be the independent one and he the dependent one. Probably explains why he feels I'm not making him my priority. 

I also saw this - https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-steps-to-inspire-your-partner-to-join-you-in-attending-couples-therapy/. But it requires work that I think I might be too exhausted to do. I am proud of myself for admitting that.

Also, I told him this morning that I respect his decision not to do therapy but I don't like it and I'm not ok with it. He said he knows. I am proud of myself for that as well. 

Thank you for sending the article my way."

She reminded me to journal and practice self care as much as I can. 

Maybe I should go get a pedicure today. After all, we got here one step at a time and after a million little steps, my feet are weary and calloused.

So to answer the question- I've fought long, I've fought hard, I've pleaded that we get help, I've swallowed the insults, I've forgiven over and over again. If this is the end, I'm walking away with a clean conscience.