The 2 Roads

There are 2 potential roads to take

1. Stay

If I stay, there are 2 potential outcomes. 

The first is that things stay as is. But things never stay the same. So if they stay the same, they are actually getting worse. That's not a life I want for myself in 2, 5, 10 or 20 years.

I'm about to be a 40 year old woman without agency, I have no desire to be a 60 year old woman looking back and wondering what she did with her life. Powerless, sad and bitter. No. 

I could stand up for myself but I've seen how that brings out the monster and creates a hostile environment. I hate hostile environments and I would probably cave in just to.get peace. No.

The second potential outcome is one where we both decide to put in the work to heal our union. That's my dream. I wish for it. Even with everything that has happened, I am unable to see him as a bad person. 

If we both put in the work, see a trained therapist, we could make this work. So far, he has said he not willing to.see a therapist. 

2. Leave. 

As the days go buy, this option becomes more and more appealing.

Leave would be an opportunity to actually be able to seek a life that is peaceful and wholesome.

It would be incredibly hard and I cannot guarantee that co-parenting would be smooth. I mean, if we can't work as a team while we are married, how would we work as a team separated or divorced? I don't know.