Thursday 24 August 2023

Have I fought Hard Enough?

Big question. As a Christian and Catholic, marriage is for life. It's a sacrament and I don't take it lightly. So from the start, I have worked to build a peaceful home. Or so I thought.

My counselor has now helped me to realize that I have been avoiding conflict. She is right. Initially, I took conflict head on - if Veno did something I didn't like, I let him know immediately. But I quickly learnt that on a good day, that was an effort in futility, on a bad day, a spark for full blown quarrels. In none of the scenarios is the actual issue ever resolved. I would often end up having to apologize for the transgressions that would be levied against me in response to my attempt to share that I didn't like something. I'm not sure I've received up to 5 apologies in our 10 years together.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/is-it-time-to-go-to-couples-counseling/ My counselor sent me this link. Here's my response to her (August 12 2023). 

"Thank you for the article.
I sent him the message we discussed and here's what he said 

"Thanks but it is a no for me. My preference is discussing ourselves. We have attended 2 marriage sessions based on your request (pre wedding and post wedding) and I want to try something else."

So I asked how that would work and he said we would have conversations. 


But I don't think that will happen. Because it's not his strong suit and I think I have given to the point of exhaustion. I don't have much energy left to try. I don't have what it takes anymore. 

Attachment insecurities that are grounded in feelings of low self-worth and fears of abandonment. This can include extreme dependence, which leads to intrusive behaviors. But it can also include extreme independence which can make a partner feel like they’re not a priority.  - I saw this in the article. I think I might be the independent one and he the dependent one. Probably explains why he feels I'm not making him my priority. 


I also saw this - https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-steps-to-inspire-your-partner-to-join-you-in-attending-couples-therapy/. But it requires work that I think I might be too exhausted to do. I am proud of myself for admitting that.

Also, I told him this morning that I respect his decision not to do therapy but I don't like it and I'm not ok with it. He said he knows. I am proud of myself for that as well. 

Thank you for sending the article my way."

She reminded me to journal and practice self care as much as I can. 

Maybe I should go get a pedicure today. After all, we got here one step at a time and after a million little steps, my feet are weary and calloused.

So to answer the question- I've fought long, I've fought hard, I've pleaded that we get help, I've swallowed the insults, I've forgiven over and over again. If this is the end, I'm walking away with a clean conscience. 

We have been separated for a fair bit...

24th August 2023
According to dialalaw, "Spouses are separated when one or both people:

decide their relationship is over,
tell the other person their decision, and
act like the relationship is over.

Spouses don’t need to agree to separate.

Separation usually marks the end of a couple’s relationship. Most separating couples stop eating and sleeping together. They also stop doing chores for each other and going out together."

I am beginning to see that we have been separated in practice for a while - even though we have been "living together".

Veno has been indicating - at least in writing since March - that he is no longer happy to be married to me. We stopped having a common purse in Jan 2021, immediately he got a job in CA. Since then, he gives me whatever amount he wants to give me and leaves me to find the rest. No questions asked.

Yes I earn a small income and I disclose it. I don't report monthly but I discuss the big changes e.g. loss of income or increase. He knows how little it is although I suspect that he pretends not to. He has "jokingly" said several times that he's sure that I have money put away somewhere. And no matter how much I explain that I do not, he never believes me. I recently told him that I cannot compete with his imagination. He thought it was a joke but I mean it. His imagination reigns Supreme over reality.

Openness and honesty in communication is not the hallmark of our relationship. In fact, any attempt from me to have an open and honest conversation often ends in disaster. We have had a few where I wore him down and he explained what he believed I had been doing wrong. Except for one specific issue before we got married and one after the violence incident in 2018, I have not had the opportunity to openly discuss with.him about what's not working. Attempts are met with stiff resistance.


He has steadily reduced his efforts towards the running and caring of the household. In the last few weeks, he barely cleans anymore. Yet, he won't let me hire a cleaner- he wants us to do it ourselves in other words - me.

In January, I applied for a program that would help me get back into the workforce. I believe that it was going to cost 3000cad. I tried to apply for OSAP - a government grant/loan scheme for schooling. I didn't qualify based on our household income. It's expected that our household income is at a level that we can afford to pay 3000cad.

Is it? I have no idea. I haven't seen a single pay check nor do I know how much he receives. I don't know what he does with his money except that he gives me whatever he wants to give me and tells me he doesn't have money anytime I ask for money. He sometimes tells me how he has a lot of debt. What debt? For what? No clue.

When I ask for money, it's mostly money for household expenses or to meet a need for the kids. For instance, I have been asking for money for back to school shopping for the kids - clothes, shoes, bag, etc. I've bought a lot already but there's still so much we need. He says he doesn't have right now. School resumes in less than 2 weeks.

I tried to apply for grants that would help us cover the cost of some "equipment" that we need for Child 2. He refused to consent but won't fund it either. And here I am. Stuck. No means to get Child 2 what she needs. Separated in practice but together in law. 

There are so many more examples. But, yes, we have been separated. He gets the benefits, I don't.

Friday 25th August 2023. Updated to reflect answers to questions asked in the comment.

Reference: https://dialalaw.peopleslawschool.ca/separation-agreements/

Sunday 20 August 2023

The 2 Roads

There are 2 potential roads to take

1. Stay

If I stay, there are 2 potential outcomes. 

The first is that things stay as is. But things never stay the same. So if they stay the same, they are actually getting worse. That's not a life I want for myself in 2, 5, 10 or 20 years.

I'm about to be a 40 year old woman without agency, I have no desire to be a 60 year old woman looking back and wondering what she did with her life. Powerless, sad and bitter. No. 

I could stand up for myself but I've seen how that brings out the monster and creates a hostile environment. I hate hostile environments and I would probably cave in just to.get peace. No.

The second potential outcome is one where we both decide to put in the work to heal our union. That's my dream. I wish for it. Even with everything that has happened, I am unable to see him as a bad person. 

If we both put in the work, see a trained therapist, we could make this work. So far, he has said he not willing to.see a therapist. 

2. Leave. 
As the days go buy, this option becomes more and more appealing.

Leave would be an opportunity to actually be able to seek a life that is peaceful and wholesome.

It would be incredibly hard and I cannot guarantee that co-parenting would be smooth. I mean, if we can't work as a team while we are married, how would we work as a team separated or divorced? I don't know. 

Current State

- Peace: There can't be peace in an environment where trust dies a fresh death every morning. 

- Joy: Oh my, this has been a roller-coaster ride. One minute, everyone is happy and the next minute Beno is mad. One week, I'm joyful and I'm thinking my life is perfect. Another week and the whole house us tense. I worry that the tension and hostility permeates the whole atmosphere and the children can feel it. 

- Agency: I have lost agency over my life. See freedom below. It's tough. I agonize over making simple decisions. I'll tell you a story. About 8 years ago, a friend (probably his best friend till date) of his wanted to come to the city we lived in. We had 2 spare bedrooms and I told said friend that he could stay over at ours. When I told Veno that his friend was coming over, he got mad and berated me for extending the invite. He said friend could not stay over at ours - why would I do such a thing. But he didn't tell the friend and I'm not good at lying or coming up with cover stories. So I avoided friends calls and so did Beno. So poor friend had to find a hotel to stay at. I still feel bad years later. Writing this, I realize how cowardly I've been. 

- Achievement: Sigh. I don't have time to begin with. I could leverage some resources to buy myself some time e.g. respite services but I've been told no by Veno. I'm just trying to survive. I'm too exhausted to worry about achievements. 

- Freedom: This is closely related to agency and i almost think they should be merged. I am unable to do basic things that I would love to do. I can't invite family or friends over which is something I loved to do. I can't consider going on a trip. I can't go for most networking sessions or just community events because I feel the mere suggestion of such would be met with disdain or anger. I decline by default and make excuses. It's the easier option.

- Respect: I do not feel respected. In fact, I'm outrightly disrespected - screaming at me  even in front of the children, scolding me like a child, not valuing my input, disagreeing with me for the fun of it. Calling me names. The list goes on. 

Facts and Examples
1. This is the example I shared with him the first time he said let's talk. And it's the last one because he shot it down immediately.

The doctor told me to get a sleep study done to.ensure the fatigue I was experiencing was not a result of sleep apnea. Sleep clinic called me and gave me options (it requires an overnight stay) - I chose Friday night because that would cause the least disruption to our family life and put the least burden on Veno. When I told Veno, he said no, that he cannot handle the 3 children on his own. And his word is law so no sleep study till date. Probably been about a year or at least 6 months.

2. Veno got a job in 2021. I was so excited. He had waited so long and it had stressed him out. Stressed us all out. Up until this point, we had only one account- a joint account between us.

He opened a new account that his paycheck went to. He then told me that he would give me a certain sum towards the upkeep of the home monthly. Over that year, that figure kept reducing and I'll probably dig into my archives and pull out the figures. 

It was never a conversation of "let's draw up a plan" it was always "this is what I'll give you" and I was left to deal with the rest even though I didn't have a job most of the time. 

Very often, he would pay rent and daycare and I handled the rest. Oh he also made the car payments out of his account- the car is only in his name. Rest includes car and home insurance, internet, food, kids resources, kids activities, clothes, etc. It very often was costing me way more than he was providing. So the party with the higher income carried a lower financial burden.

3. One example he used to support his argument that i dont lack agency was a trip I took to Lagos for business in 2019. A trip to Lagos takes approximately 24 hours. I went with Child 2, then a baby and left Child 1 with him. I was gone for about 1 week. I told everyone that I needed to get back home on time because he had interviews to attend so I would need to be home to get Child 1 from school.

In reality, it was that he said 2 weeks was too long and I should keep it short. It made no sense but I did it for "peace". Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have insisted that 1 week was too short. In truth, I was afraid.

4. House chores: house chores are such a funny thing. Before we moved to this country, we didn't do much of it because we had help. When we got here, it fell on us to keep house and children. Veno doesn't cook and I love to cook so that fell to me by default. 

Of course, cooking in the kitchen requires clean up so I would do that too. I would do the dishes or load the dishwasher. He doesn't do his own dishes nor does he put his plates in the dishwasher - he leaves it for me to handle. 

He cleans or at least, he uses to clean regularly. But not everywhere. I often have to clean the bathroom when it becomes dirty - I hate dirty bathrooms.

He empties bins. And he irons the clothes we need to wear.

I do all laundry, folding, organizing. I can't count the number of times that clean clothes have found their way back into.the laundry basket because nobody can be bothered to put them away if I don't do it on time. 

Caring for the kids has fallen more and more on me. 

Very often, once we pick up the kids in the evening, I'm on my feet till bedtime - cooking, cleaning, feeding someone, chasing someone, giving someone a bath. 

Until recently that he started coming out to sit with the kids, he spent evenings in front of his computer or lying down in the room. If I asked for help, he would berate me for not wanting to see him rest. Would say I was giving him work to do.

5. There's the story of how he stole insurance refunds from me but that deserves a post on it's own.

6. Sometimes, I'm just plain stupid in the name of love, openness and working together. In 2022, we decided to throw Child 1 his first birthday party. I suggested a venue and we went to check it out. They.gave us their options - say a certain amount for a slot of 10.children. Veno said "let's take 2 slots". Meanwhile, each slot was already expensive. They asked for a deposit, I made it (I was the one going in, he stayed in the car with the kids).

I should have asked at that point how we were going to pay but I honestly didn't think of it. Look, that party ended up coating us upwards of 2000cad. I know I paid that much for it and he spent about 200cad at most. 

7. How did I manage to fund the party? We filed for Disability tax credit for Child 2 for the first time and got a refund of about 3000cad. I told him so he knew I got the money. I considered it "our money" but I didn't think we should spend it on a party. But well, we did.

This year, 2023, I transferred the tax credit to him since I didn't have a decent income last year. We estimated that he would get 5000cad back in refunds. When I asked him if he had got it, he said he would check. Radio silence. I know for a fact that he would have received it because I had received the 100cad I was expecting but ok. 

I offer information willingly, he hides information willingly.

8. 



Setting a Goal

Nothing fancy. We'll treat this as a journal.

What's my end goal? Live a life that has the best chance of
- Peace: I want a life that has the greatest chance to enjoy the peace of God. There will be trouble by default but I can rest in God's peace amidst that trouble.

- Joy: I want to create an atmosphere of joy around me and for my kids to enjoy. I have this picture of a kitchen island or dinning table that there's a lot of joy and laughter as you eat and interact. 

- Agency: I desire to have agency. To be able to make simple decisions and complex ones. I don't want to agonize over a dirty house if I can afford to pay a cleaner. I don't want to deprive the kids of a visit to the zoo because someone won't "approve" of it. I don't want to miss a trip of  lifetime to placate someone.

- Achievement: I want to truly live. There's so much that I believe I can achieve with God's help. I might not become World bank chair but I want to be able to try. Truly try. 

- Freedom: I want to live in the freedom and liberty of a child of God. God died for me to live free not to live in bandage. With great freedom comes great responsibility. This I know and am aware of. 

- Respect: I want to feel respected and whole. 

There are 2 ways this can work. Option 1 - Stay. And option 2 - leave. 


Sunday 7 April 2013

Tackling Phobias (1) - 2 down, 5 to go


Day 2

My oh my! I have a long way to go to reach my goals. Went by the gym today to get a customised program drawn up for me and although I’m generally fine, my fat statistics is mildly worse than average. I'm to work out @ least 3 times a week for about 80mins each time which sounds alright. But that's not the problem you see. I joined a 15mins abs workout class and I barely made it to the end. Ouch. My body aches terribly. I'm in trouble.

Picture me doing this in September - cool yea?
Credit -  http://www.thewolfrun.com/info/
Which reminds me about what I wanted to tell you yesterday. My career coach has invited me to join her in a 10k obstacle run in September. I looked it up and it looks fun but I need to be able to run 10km 1st. Right now, I can't even run 300m. I have no idea how we (it’s we isn’t it, me and her ;) ) are going to get me ready in time, but hey, why turn down a great challenge? Poor career coach is going to become a fitness coach now - I feel so sorry for her. Anyway, we just added another challenge to the list.  *yipee*

You may want to ask how the detox diet is going and I would like to tell you that right now, I’m swearing to myself and promising I’ll never do this to myself EVER again. But even I am not convinced. I’ve made such promises to myself and broken it over and over again. I’m so so hungry right now. I hate diets that leave you constantly hungry because they make you vulnerable to overeating. Anyway, I did manage to stick to the diet (for the most part) but since I had to work over night, I got super hungry and descended on almond nuts and peanut butter. I tried not to take too much but I should not have been eating it at all (according to the diet specifications, never mind that it’s healthy). Anyway, that wasn’t enough so at some point, I went to get a 90 calorie cereal bar. I’m sorry alright, I was famished. I’ll try harder tomorrow.

In my defense though, I did try real hard. I stepped out of the house and apparently that was a mistake because everywhere I went, there was good food cooking and smelling; stronger than ever. And when I got back home, my housemate was cooking up a storm. Sheer wickedness. I deserve a pat on the back for not falling to such strong temptation.

Saturday 6 April 2013

Tackling Phobias (1) - 1 down, 6 to go

Long term target: Abs that look like this

Day 1
Body Stats
So as promised, I took my body measurements early this morning and here goes
Weight: 67.6 (that’s down from 70 which is cool)
BMI: 21.3
Body fat: 32.4% (that has to go down)
Muscle: 27.8% (needs to go up)
Recommended calories: 1449 (means I need to eat a lot less than average to lose weight, the world is not a fair place)
Visceral fat: 4 (whatever that means):

Chest: 36”
Waist: 29”
Lower abdomen: 32.9” (trouble spot L)
Hips: 39.6 (why the heck is this one reducing? Who asked it to? Rubbish...)

We’ll measure again on day 8

Target
For this week, shed some more stomach fat. Let's see where it gets us. If it's effective, I'll try it again.

Today’s menu
Breakfast: Egg white omelette with one slice of brown toast (no butter)
Lunch: Large vegetable salad and one small portion of chicken/ fish
Dinner: Fish pepper soup

In case you don’t know what fish peppersoup is, it’s same as soup without any thickener but where I’m from, we take a lot of pepper (chilli) so that’s the main spice. Basically, it’s fish + water + spices – no oil or carbs. The water does the trick of filling you up. *sigh* this should be fun *grimace*.  See, I’m not a glutton but I love good food. I just need to remind myself that this is for a good cause.

Actual breakfast
I’m not particularly a fan of toast so I had 2 light pancakes made from whole wheat flour and no sugar ;) + 3 egg whites – not as bad as I thought but I’ll put in some veggies next time. I’ll also have a cup of twinnings morning detox tea. I’m not allowed coffee and the likes. *sigh*. Time to work.

Lunch
This is not going well at all. I’m famished by lunch time and I have tonnes of work to do. Anyway, I chop some lettuce into a bowl, placed some baby lettuce over it and chopped some tomatoes and cucumber. Voila – lunch. Hahaha. No way I’ll eat just that but I want to be faithful. I decide to skip the cream and dressing and make a nice sauce with my fish allowance. To support the fish and enhance the taste, I add a few king prawns (chopped) and mushroom (I love them and they count as veggies, don’t they?). The sauce goes over the salad and it actually tastes good. But I’m worried because a large bowl still leaves me hungry. This isn’t good.

Dinner
Fish pepper soup as prescribed. One piece of fish only. Why o why did I decide to do this to myself? *sob*. Only 7 days Cutie, only 7 days and day 1 is gone. And remember, keep your eye on the prize.
I’m sorry guys, I’m too tired to type more than this. Let me give you tomorrow’s menu though.

Tomorrow’s menu
Breakfast: Fruit smoothie made with berries and skimmed or soy milk (looking forward to this 1 *grin*)
Lunch: Chicken pepper soup and raw or steamed
vegetablesDinner: Steamed vegetables and a small portion of white fish

Seems tomorrow will be alright. Oh, I just remembered I have something to tell you. We have another challenge on the list. I’ll tell you tomorrow.

Good night all. *eyes on the prize Cutie*.